yesterday i continued to be a horrible person. maybe even more so than monday.
i texted nic about my misery during the day and he said, "there will be chocolate."
i told everyone i saw. my boyfriend gets it. i'm having a bad day(ssssss) and he mentioned chocolate. he really gets it.
i got home, and he'd made dinner again! this time i didn't hate him for making me delicious food. we sat on the porch and ate spinach salad and burger patties with caramelized onions. i drank a glass of wine the size of my head. there was chocolate.
i went in the house and out from underneath the couch popped... a cat.
there was chocolate.
and a cat.
i didn't scream. but i was really fucking surprised.
i won't lie and say nic didn't talk about getting a cat. but in the last few weeks, nic has also talked about moving to columbus and/ or china, taking a job in indianapolis and/ or detroit, going to chicago on his day off, buying a new car, adopting a baby, and learning to build boats. i take it all with a grain of salt. i said, "sure, get a cat."
and he did.
also, in fear of seeming like more of an awful person than i'm already trying to convince you i am, i am not an animal person. i love to watch them, but i don't want to snuggle them, touch them, talk to them, or ingratiate myself to them. i'm sort of terrified of pets, especially after growing up with three cats, all of whom had impossibly unlikable and terrifying qualities.
but here was ohna.
her name is swedish for anna.
she's a siamese cat. blue-eyed and slim with tiny white mittens and incredibly soft grey ombre fur. she's skittish still. she's quiet. she had two stillborn babies just last week and evidently was quite depressed afterwards. the people at the humane society said she kept looking around for her babies. she didn't want to let them go. she kept trying to nurse them.
nic said he just couldn't leave her.
i didn't love her right away and i don't love her still. she doesn't love me either. but we're curious about each other. and i have this weird, magical feeling that maybe ohna will be the one to teach me to love without needing to smother. that you can coexist without constantly having to interact. that love can look a lot like just knowing without having to always show.
or maybe she's just a cat.
but it's a new adventure. and i welcome it. i welcome feelings i don't understand and fear and slight discomfort and eagerness and joy and the promise of a decade to come together.
sometimes nic is so weird. he surprises me. i don't know what he's thinking or how he thinks it sometimes and, while it can make me crazy, i ultimately relish it. i am pragmatic and organized and overly logical and nic, at any given moment, might move to china or adopt a stray feline.
i am so grateful for this strange life of wonder, in which, unbeknownst to me, there just might be a cat under the couch.