since i'm still basically 12, i spent my friday night babysitting.
also because i'm 12 i have a pimple that's bigger than my eye on my cheek, as depicted in this photo. which one's the eye and which is the pimple is still unclear both in cartoon form and real life.
for dinner, there was pizza.
and, to cut to the chase, i ate it.
here is my sign. my woeful admission. my scarlet A of pizza-eating.
it's only shameful, because while i was eating said pizza, a paleo magazine rested silently in my hipster reclaimed vintage material book bag. literally. i'm a bad meme waiting to happen.
about eight weeks ago, i committed to actually eating mostly paleo, with my big, specific no being consumption of grains. and dairy, too, for the most part, or at least in the reckless creamy-latte/ bucket-of-ice-cream/ pile-of-melted-cheese way. basically because those things just make me feel awful.
tonight i could have planned better but i didn't, so i ate the damn pizza.
it feels like there's a ton of bricks in my stomach, but i don't actually hate myself.
and that's really weird and uncomfortable for me. even more so than feeling certain that i've derailed my entire life and have failed as a human being and should give up any hope of a future.
i am really, really, really extreme. like, all the time. i feel all the things and i say all the things and i write all the words and i emote all over everyone. all of my moments are saturated and intense and terribly fraught with meaning.
and then tonight, as a declared paleo (i'm choosing to use that as a noun, like one would say they're a vegan, but if vegans ate a lot of meat), i ate a piece of pizza (papa john's, no less) and i didn't implode.
i don't know if i'm so tired that i just haven't mustered up the energy to freak out yet or if i'm actually, slowly learning not to be a psycho during all of the minutes, but i feel really good even though i feel bad.
like, i feel like there's a pizza-shaped barbell in my gut, but i also feel like i might not be totally crazy. and that might have been worth it.
to be real, i know i'm not crazy. but growing up and balance is hard for me. because my tendency is to hover at the extreme ends of the pendulum, ever poised to wildly hurl myself back to the other side, never allowing myself space in between. and it seems i may be starting to take small pauses in that in between area.
it feels really weird.
and i guess it tastes like pizza.