the other day, nic and i were walking through lowe's, looking for sink strainers and twine. it was bitterly cold outside, i was ravenous, and melby was on the edge of a big-nap-required breakdown.
and yet, i felt myself laugh at one of nic's dad jokes. i felt really engaged in the words he was saying, like i could hear them particularly well. the store seemed really colorful and intentional. i felt some brightness in my step. my body felt kind of light. my head felt kind of clear. i suddenly felt really, really grateful to be buying some string at a mega store on a frigid wednesday afternoon.
what was this sensation i was experiencing? what was happening to me?
i laughed, weirdly uncomfortable with how not horrible i felt, and looked at nic and said, i feel... happy.
i cannot tell you how long it's been since i felt this in my body. i forgot what happiness felt like. it doesn't feel like everything is right or all my dreams have come true or my waist finally exists again or i actually know how i'll pay the bills or anything other than a sense that whatever my life and dreams and body are at that exact moment are going to be just fine. that there's space to breathe, that things are moving, that i'm unstuck.
i feel unstuck.
dear lord, what a relief it is.
i can't quite say what it is or why. i know eating better has helped. i know not obsessing about precisely what i'm eating has helped. i know getting more sleep has helped and daily yoga has helped and literally stopping myself in my tracks when i spiral down a self-pity/ hatred/ flagellation hole has helped.
i don't feel amazing all day every day, but i feel clear enough to have some perspective on my feelings as a whole and THAT feels happy to me. the freedom to experience the whole range of emotions--not just anxiety.
i am trying not to hold onto it too tightly. often, when i am happy, i become panicked about staying happy and, in turn, create anxiety and unhappiness.
because that is what totally sane people do.
instead i'm trying to just let this feeling wash over me. i have a beautiful girl, who makes my heart sing. i have a beautiful man, who grounds and supports me. i have a life full of abundance. i have a clear mind to, for at least a moment, truly acknowledge and appreciate them. i am grateful. i am so so grateful.