tonight i went climbing for the first time ever.
jessica and i have been talking about it for months. i casually find an excuse not to go every time. all day i was praying she would cancel. i am deeply tired, not because i have to be, but because there is just enough in my life to justify it, so i am giving in and being a pathetic, ungrateful, disparaging sack of shit.
that was my excuse today. i'm tired and i don't want to climb anymore.
but she didn't cancel, so finally, begrudgingly, i went.
for the inexperienced (ie me 3 hours ago), rock climbing in an indoor gym looks like a variety of colors and shapes of footholds arranged in patterns along walls. they are rated according to difficulty. i am a solid zero. (this is not self-deprecation, but rather an accurate assessment of my actual ability.)
yep. it starts at zero.
and the best part is that the routes are called problems.
i won't make all the obvious analogies that went whizzing through my head, because it's too easy. they are problems that take determination, strength, and a significant amount of ease, which i lack. they sometimes require you to literally step back and look at the big picture. they sometimes require falling. they most definitely require letting go.
okay, i'll stop.
i'm not going to write anything magic. i'm realizing more and more that the magic lies in simply having shown up, in being willing. i didn't have a life revelation. i didn't pull myself entirely out of the pit. i didn't discover some sort of superhuman strength, as i barely conquered much more than a one, on the rating of difficulty.
but i showed up. and i talked to my friend and afterwards i drank a cocktail and ate a salad and just ate the fucking roll that came with it, because it is top 2 most delicious pieces of bread in louisville.
and i tried.
and that is the whole story.
i was afraid of doing something new, but i tried anyway.
my hands are roughed up and my nails are shredded and i'm pretty sure i've permanently lost use of my shoulders, but i did it.
if that is the paradigm, then i can do mf'in anything in the world. i can do anything. just watch me.