today i went back to therapy.
about 10 years have passed since i've been, maybe nine of which i spent saying i should go back, and today, finally, per the urging/ insistence of my very best friend in the whole wide world, i just did it.
this was immediately preceded by 1. falling apart crying on thanksgiving because i was playing a board game with friends and i just felt so incredibly dumb for not knowing something that i felt like i should know that i could not stop crying and 2. sobbing at the gas station as nic said the above words to me, in response to me living in some world where i am still a lost, acne-ridden, severely depressed 15 year old.
i'm not trying to paint a picture that i'm a basket case. in some still, small world, i can see myself as the confident, dynamic person i so often present myself as being. but then there is this soft spot at my core that i protect so fiercely. sometimes i protect it by letting other people see it, which makes me feel in control, and sometimes i protect it by happy-ing my way through it, but, obviously, as evidenced by all the tears, something will eventually pierce it and i fall apart.
i'm not going to walk you through my experience of therapy (or... i might. i make no promises), but what i really wanted to say is, i'm here. and just the act of taking care of myself makes me feel better.
i've been hiding. physically, in some ways, and emotionally, in many. i haven't drawn any cartoons, because it felt too vulnerable and i've been in a shell. i open up in ways that feel comfortable and familiar to me. i open up in ways i can control. but i haven't felt far enough from tears to be honest about my relationship and the thoughts in my head and the subsequent vulnerability i feel knowing that some people find it too much or too transparent or too self-indulgent or whatever else.
but today, post my hour and a half in a cocoon of safe space, i feel good about just being myself. whether that girl has stringy bangs and an excess of yoga pics or a 15 year old pizza face. because i'm both, really. and that's okay.
today, it's okay.
i am trying not to think too much about what that means for tomorrow. trying to let go of my expectation of myself and just be.
i went back to therapy. it's okay to ask for help.
i needed help.
and i'm getting it.